sometimes you just want to cry. you just want to stop being scared that everyone is going to leave you. you want to explain to people that sometimes you just slip up in ways you can’t even explain. sometimes you make mistakes, sometimes you talk too much, sometimes you talk to little.
I just wonder why things happen the way they do sometimes. I wonder why i make mistakes that i never would have, on a normal day. Ive let the same situation in another circumstance ruin me, and today I’m on the same path again. I’m letting something so irrelevant, someone that I’ve had to get over 500 times before get to me again. It just something that I would pay to let go of, but for some reason gods not letting me go that easy. Its taking up every moment of my living day wondering what the message behind it could be. Is it to keep me in a reality check, or to hurt me, or to just irritate me? I don’t know what the reason is, or what the outcome will be, but i know damn well if i don’t stop letting it get in the way, its on the way to ruining the only good things i have left. The past couple of days the only way i can keep my mind off of it is if I’m smoking or if I’m with sunny. its like I’m pushing it back, and when I’m alone its all tears and thoughts. I take the wrong turns, i forget hw assignments, i only mentally respond to questions, and most importantly i accidentally let people think I’m just trying to make myself look better, when really I’m just too preoccupied…
this is turning from a trust issue, to just completely occupying my mind with thoughts that would have never been there in the first place. I need freedom from this man and his actions. Im at a point in life that I just want to forget, for one moment that I’ve been done so wrong, for doing nothing at all. Before my dad started acting up, i could vow for the fact that I’ve never done my dad wrong, always backing him up with his family and always taking him back after being ignored. But why? theres no answer to that question. i know theres not. so i need to stop searching, because its definitely severing my ties with what matters. From this day forward, i know just to let go of this situation, and this is just the beginning. I know its going to come over and over again, but i just need to accept that my dad is a traitor and understand that everything is going to be ok because not everyone is like him. I think I’ve decided the best way to keep myself happy is through keeping other people happy and the best way to do that is just shut up and try your best to not give the wrong ideas, because even if your intentions weren’t wrong, people won’t see the whole story, and forgive you. Today I feel like shit, and i can’t even say its not my fault, it is my fault for just letting things get to me. I screwed up a lot of ways, but not the ways that it has been interpreted.
Sometimes you just want to cry, but the better thing to do is get down to work and figure out why things are the way they are, and fix it. Theres always times that I feel like so hopeless, that theres nothing left for me especially when the people closest to you threaten you. but I’ve been in far worse places, and i deserve to be where I’m standing now, because I’ve fought with everything i have to be here.
dil meraa, har baad yeh, sunne ko bekarar haii, kaho naa pyaar hai <3
pyaar jaha mein hota nahin || phir bolo kya hotaa
duniya mein dil koi kabhi naa dhadka hotaa
dhadka hai dil, aa yaar mil yeh pyaar ka isahaar hai :)
jeene lagaa hoon pehele zyaada, pehele se zyaada tumpe marne lagaa hoon <3
sochu mein tham jaye pal yeh paas mere jo ho tum.
chalti hai saansein pehele se zyaade, pehele se zyaada dil teherne lagaa.
milne lage dil pehele se zyaada, pehele se zyaada ishq hone lagaa."
Finally decided that life was getting pretty hectic again, and besides taking things out with a negative connotation, I decided to vent my stress through writing. but whats new ? Once in a while, I get frustrated, and upset and I always use writing as a medium to express my feelings, and today I decided that I needed balance in my life. I need to do somethings routinely rather then when they are necessary.
Today, I feel like I’ve finally found myself and where I want to go with my life and who I want to be, the values I eventually want to see in my and my family, and most importantly, Ive even found the way to do all this, but just like always, theres something materialistic holding me back. Whether its relationships with family, friends or anyone, relationships just seem not to be my thing. I become so obsessed with my goals that I cut everyone out to reach that goal, that shouldnt be the case. And sometimes when I dont cut certain people out, they stop me from being the best I can be. Mental and emotional damage. I need to literally just rid myself of these. But theres literally nothing that I can do to remove myself from this pain. It seems as though no matter how much I try to ignore, or sidetrack myself, at the end of the day, I feel isolated and alone. People closest to me are always the ones that abandon me, I get it, Ive accepted it, but I honestly feel like my life has came down to just me trying to overcome, everyday, each and every separation it has ever suffered.
I’ve tried this strategy before, and ofcourse it didnt work them, but im determined and motivated to make it work now. I want to become the best I can be, without the help of anyone else. I dont NEED anyone to become the ideal me. The last 22 year, i thought i needed other people, and that got me nowhere but farther back.
Today, I feel so alone and isolated from people who literally live next to me or with me and I cant stand to think that I could ruin my future and my self over this. So there comes a time in everyones life to be selfish and think about themselves, this is my time. Im so tired of people hurting me that there will just have to be a wall built up so I will never be hurt again.
So basically, my point is, im making time for the important things starting today. Myself, my future, my physique, my ideas, my hobbies, my priorities. In life, its finally time I get my priorities straight. And honestly, I cant make people who hurt me number one on my list anymore. Because all that comes from that is me feeling broken.
Some people just do not understand, and never will understand the concept off loss. Loss puts a toll on people, and if the person could help it, you would never be able to tell that they have ever lost, but thats why you can spot out someone who has lost things very important to them; because those are the people that are afraid to get to close, and the people that are afraid to get too happy, and the people that let themselves get distracted easily, and when they get a little bit too much time to think, the people that throw tantrums at the littlest of things. Loss takes a toll on people, but it especially took its toll on me.
Tonight was just another one of the straws that broke the camels back. Everyday I wake up to a certain complaining or annoying chant. I simply just am not used to it, and now its become this pestering that has caused me to want to leave this premises asap. I feel like every conversation that we have starts out as a complain about me, or something that I did, or didn’t do. My mother feels like I am growing apart, and yes I am. But I havent told her that, because it would kill her. I am all she has, and its not the fact that I have anything more than her, because I basically don’t, its just that shes almost the last thing I have to lose. And with my lifes nets totals coming to a lot more negative in losses than gains in people, I have realized that nothing stops a life long relationship from cutting you off and throwing you to the side of the road. A mothers love is unconditional, but so is a fathers… correct? Well my fathers isn’t, so most likely odds are that my mothers arent either. So much is holding me back from doing so many things and being so happy, all because losing most of the most important people in my life has changed me as a whole. I honestly just dont want to keep a relationship like she wants because im so afraid that she will hurt me, and shes the only other person Ive known my entire like or trusted that much that hasnt left yet. It only takes a straw to break the camels back, and I’ve learned that tonight especially. One more thing wrong will tear me apart more on the inside than even I can imagine.
Most call it excuses, but I dont. I dont let anybody elses actions catch up to someone else, and I take all my anger out in the right places. I just think its time for certain people in my life to stop expecting things out of me that arent coming, I am the way I am, and I wont change to make anybody happy. And people are going to get really hurt if they expect anything about me to change, because unless I want something and feel as if it is completely necessary by my means, I will not budge. There are so many expectations, and I cant meet with them. Maybe because of my circumstances, or maybe I’m just not good enough, but I’ve accepted all that, and its time every one around me does too. Relationships with family are important, yes, but how you allocate those are even more important. Of course people get disappointed, but sometimes you have to over look that.
Oh, and I really miss my dad. well, not my dad— but A dad… the hardest part is him being here, in my city, pretty much right in front of my eyes and not making an effort. I know I havent tried to hard, but I cry about him almost every day, and I KNOW he doesnt do the same for me. And this is the basis that I have to build relationships on, people are selfish, unwilling, and sometimes flat out disrespectful. I know some people are going through harder times than others, but that doesnt mean that they can go around telling people what to do and criticizing their every move.
I really hate to do this, but I know that if this continues and if I dont get a peace of mind soon, some bridges are going to be broken, and there wont be any fixing to get to the other side.
Lately the past situation has been bothering more than it had when it actually happened. Which doesn’t make sense because I’m perfectly happy. Happier than I’ve been in the longest time actually. I pulled myself together, I have everything I want, almost. I guess its time to actually stop blocking some things out. Noone has the “perfect” life. And as hard as I try, I wont ever have the “perfect” “ideal” life. Theres some things that just arent meant to be. I think I have to accept that no matter how hard I try, a parent always wants to see their child strive for the best, but there comes a limit to which you can actually do to make your parents happy, especially when you only have the support of one. This is when the ultimate truth comes into play. I HAVE to accept that my father is no longer a part of my life. For 2 years I tried to make any connection with him and tried to see a human being in a monster, but I finally realized, that you cant humanize a person that simply just doesnt wish to be a person.
And thats what hurts the most.
All this time, all I ever wanted from my dad was appreciation, support, and happiness. And all i got instead was a couple of dollars and some advice that he probably should have taken himself. I dont want a penny from my father actually, but it would be really nice to know that he actually even realizes that he has a daughter, that he can call just to talk to and not just when he needs something. Its a two way street, and no matter how much I try to look for feelings, they arent there. Practically, i do not have a father, and he does not have a daughter. And the hardest thing to accept that a relationship that you have had your entire life literally doesnt mean shit. And that relationships you just developed in the past couple of months become your life. But perhaps this is the only reason it is so hard to have faith, not only in man, but in anything. It the people closest to you that betray your trust and emotions.
I really want to forgive my dad, and the only other person that has ever had the capability to tear my life into pieces. Im not the sort to seek revenge, but I just want to know what it is that is holding me back. Why a year later, do I feel like I still need some kind of closure ? Some people just dont care, and I have to accept that. I just have to accept that my dad doesnt give two shits about his daughter, and that naitik and falguni dont give two shits about their once good friend. Theres a difference between doing something unmoral, and being completely heartless. I just wish I wasnt surrounded by so many heartless people that those people who offer me their entire hearts end up getting hurt.
In 27 days it will be almost like a new beginning, and I really dont want any of this past interference, I dont need closure because my new beginning is better than ever. First things first, there are some people that need to be told off to their faces, and simply some people that just need to be forgiven for their heartlessness silently because they dont know any better.
I honestly cant believe where I was exactly a year from today, and where I am now. Im not settling, and most of all I actually get everything that I believe I deserve. And for a girl to get everything she thinks she deserves is incomprehensible, because they always think they deserve the best. My luck changed in a matter of moments just for being honest and rational. I hope that this one time, the person closest to me doesnt manage to become my worst enemy like the rest of the people in my life. I hope to god that I can always keep them as happy as they manage to keep me. And I hope that one day, my past will sincerely only be my past and not an interference.